Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Greetings From Muffin Top Land

And no, I'm not referring to the yummy part that you save for last when devouring a delicious fatty muffin. (Although the two are closely related.) And if that's the first thing that came to your mind, then you have obviously never given birth.

Anyway, I have this new plan to increase general productivity. Mainly it involves getting out of bed before 11am. So this morning I get up at 7, as planned, and surprisingly I had tons of energy and felt great. Really weird, I know.
I had some tea and oatmeal, got my Bible study done, checked my email, got caught up on my favorite blogs, and finished a craft project before noon. Really really weird, I know.
And I thought to myself, I should take my little girl to the playground. I dressed her sensibly for cool spring weather and patted myself on the back for being such a great mom. On the way, I went through a drive-through for some coffee and donut holes. I imagined a little picnic under a shady tree, just the two of us playing on the slides and chasing each other around.
Twas not to be.

When we arrived at the park, I was dismayed to find it teeming with about a dozen mommies and their screeching offspring. There were at least 2 kids per woman, plus a group of babies playing at their feet. The last thing I wanted to do was get one inch closer to this horrific "play date" nightmare, but Carly was so excited. So I took my coffee and donuts to the shady tree on the other side of the playground, hoping I wouldn't be noticed.
As Carly played, I observed this strange female play date ritual. They were all nodding enthusiastically at each other, and I caught occasional bits of their conversation, "...potty training, teething, preschool...." *shudder*
I felt very awkward and out of place. None of the other mommies were running around the playground with their kids, racing each other to the slides and failing miserably at the monkeybars. (Well, normally that's what I do at the playground!) I was the only one who did not arrive in a minivan. I was the only one not wearing capris. My kid was the only one not wearing Crocs.
Oh, and I was the only one stuffing my face with donuts.
There was one thing we all had in common: The Muffin Top. I had found my people. *panic!*

But I went mostly unnoticed, except for the Alpha-Mommy who acted as playground police. (And did an awful job, I might add. Why do people let their kids climb up the slides? Stop it!) A few times she turned to me and stared over her trendy sunglasses. I was hoping she mistook me for the babysitter. Oh well, she looked really stupid in capris.
Soon Alpha Mommy called the dozens of children over to the picnic blankets for cupcakes and juice boxes. I took this opportunity to make a run for the car, muttering something to Carly about getting home to start dinner.

Wait... What was that? Getting home to start dinner? Aaack!
Suddenly I longed for the days when I dyed my hair purple, wore a different color of wacky polish on every nail, and advertised my taste in music with bumper stickers all over the back of an old Mazda. How can I not be that person any more? I still feel like that person, I just look ten years older. Pretty soon I'll be wearing leisure suits do the grocery store! Fortunately I don't even know where I could get a velour pants and jacket set, but that's not the point.

Am I the only one who feels like this? I mean, I do love being a stay-at-home/work-at-home/whatever mommy. I do feel satisfied with a clean house, a nutritious homemade dinner, and healthy houseplants. Sometimes I think I should have been born decades ago, when that's what all women did. And they got to wear pretty dresses while doing it! But maybe the housedress of the fiftes was the capri pant of today? Maybe those housewives longed for the days when they wore socks with their saddle shoes and put their hair in ponytails?

Maybe tonight I'll put my hair in pigtails and paint my nails a shocking color. With glitter...

After I start dinner, of course.


Cristy said...

Your trip to the playground sounds like many a trip I've taken myself, Alpha mom and all :) Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work getting up early. I've been saying for a month that I WILL get up and do my bible study before the kids are up. sigh. it's still a dream right now...

Aleutie said...

I enjoy reading your blog so much! :)

Laura said...

You are not alone...believe me, and I too have encountered this playground NIGHTMARE! I thoroughly enjoyed your blog. For all the reasons above ...I chose to have my one boy, and no others. Oh, and I am working on the muffin top too! I just posted a blog post about getting out my sneaks.

Heather said...

Alright Melissa,
where have you been all my life?
I too have been trying to get myself out of bed or at least out of pjs before my husband gets home from work at 4! I am forcing myself not to wear pigtails any longer...but come on! Some outfits demand it! Nail colors are neutral....mostly. And to top it all off I am betting all of my flipflops that I am even a decade older than you! Aghast!
Oh least in my mind I can challenge myself to keep STAYING out of bed once I arise at 7:30 because Melissa is going this too..and that Bible? I'll be heading back to my God time each day. Thanks and thanks again!

janet said...

What a fun post...I am at the time of my life (fun and funky 55 year young) when I look at women my age and do not identify with them at all...I should, but I don't. I get along so much better with 30-40 somethings. Maybe it's denial?? Anyway..loved this post.

ElegantSnobbery said...

Hahaha, I'm the mom who could care less if her kid climbs the slide. Granted, I don't let my kids do it when other kids want to go down... but still.


Christina said...

So funny, I feel the same way around that type of play group. I had been trying to go on Tuesdays to a toddler thing at a local church(before our trip). I felt mostly out of place, I don't have a minivan or wear capris either and am not preppy like almost everyone there. And yes it's kind of alarming at times being around the kids and their moms at the playground part, when their kid hits yours and you aren't sure what to do because their mom wasn't paying attention!

lyptis said...

Ha ha, i can relate to that! And i dont even have kids.:)

Violet Bella said...

im not a mommy yet, but i just loved this post. im sure i would be right in your shoes if i was! go paint your nails!!!

SewSweetStitches said...

Yay! Thank you so much everyone for your comments, they made me laugh!

Anonymous said...

muffin top is a LOOK. work it GURL!!

ha ha! I bet that those momma's wearing capris think all the same things you do and i bet they feel just as stifled by the track suit as you, but lack the ability to break beyond it.

if you give them a chance i bet you will find the designer glasses are prolly from Target and those capris are 10 years old....and the minivan is a necessary evil when you've got 3 or more children...and what's wrong with having lots of kids?

in my mind i am still 27, not 37...and i think thats where i will stay, thankyouverymuch!

work that muffin top and glitter nails girl, and give those capri wearin' gals a chance, girl! ;-)