Friday, May 28, 2010

Pretend You're A Shrink

Whew! All week long, all I've talked about are crafts, crafts, crafts. Ok and I made you look at photos of other people's kids.
I'm still relatively new to blogging, and it's hard for me to know what direction this is going. Some of my favorite blogs are strictly business, and some are totally personal, and some are a light mix of both. But when I say personal, I don't mean talking about what we did last week. I mean talking about... (I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it...) Feelings.

**Here's where you get out your little pad and take notes.**

I don't like feelings. I mean really, when you think about it, they aren't even real. They sure as heck feel real, but do they actually exist? Ok this sounds like nonsense... Bear with me here.
You can't see the wind, but you know it's there because you can see the leaves blowing and you can feel it on your skin. You can't see feelings either, but you know they're there because you're crying or smiling or whatever. Makes sense.
But here's the thing. You can't turn off the wind. If it's blowing, everyone feels it. Everyone feels it the same. (Unless you've been struck by lightning. Seriously, I saw this thing on the news once where a guy got struck by lightning and he lost all sense of touch, smell, and taste.) With feelings, they can be painfully real or nonexistent depending on the person. Some people are moved to tears by the sappy animal shelter commercial and some people don't care at all.

Where am I going with this?
I've been both of those people. A few years ago, when I was married to someone else and before I had a daughter, I was the weepiest, mushiest, Nicholas Sparks loving sap you'd ever meet. I loved nothing more than an over-the-top romantic comedy or a tear-jerking country song. I gave small monthly donations to charities for abused animals and deformed babies. I liked kittens and flowers.
I poured out my feelings to my journal every day.
Then, after four years of marriage and six months of pregnancy, my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. At least to me, anyway. We had a mortgage, a car payment, six pets, and a baby on the way. He left and never came back.

I fell apart. I moved in with my parents, found homes for all my pets, and gave birth to my daughter in the most tense hospital room ever. My family hired a lawyer and took care of everything while I cried for several hours a day over my broken heart.
[Omg that's so pathetic, I can't even believe I'm typing it!]

Moving forward three years, I have a non-abusive, completely supportive husband who is a fabulous father. And they lived happily ever after ...Right?

Well, mostly.
I no longer get teary over kittens. I make fake gagging noises when I hear a love song. I roll my eyes at commercials for romantic comedies. For a while, it didn't bother me. It was actually very nice, not crying over anything. Tough luck, you poor starving dog on the ASPCA commercial. But now I feel pretty bad about it. With the exception of that one week per month when I've been known to sob over an Olive Garden commercial, ("When you're here, you're family!") I've turned into a cold, unfeeling monster. And I don't like it anymore.

What brought all this on?
Last week my mom sent over a box from the basement full of all the little mementos I'd saved from my first marriage:
The tickets to the Poison concert we went to every summer.
A handmade booklet to go with a mix cd of love songs he made for me.
Plastic diamond rings he bought me from the candy machine at the grocery store.
Love notes and anniversary cards...

Remember, in Clueless, when Cher and Ty burn all the mementos of Elton? *giggle*

So, Miss Kittenhater, why didn't you rip them up, burn them, and then stomp on their ashes? Why are you getting all introspective and emotional? When you were cleaning out the closet yesterday, why are the candles from your first honeymoon and the seashells he brought you from a business trip when he probably cheated on you still lingering near instead of in the trash? Why does your stomach hurt when you see his number come up on your phone? Why do you still have nightmares that he's leaving you? Why do you care?  
More importantly, why are you blabbing it on the internet? 
Something has to be done. I don't think I'm quite ready to go back to daily journaling. Me, alone with my feelings, that's a terrifying thought. Sometimes I think [If I had health insurance] that I would really like to go to some kind of therapist. You know, talk about your feelings and all that stuff. Maybe just saying them out loud would help them make sense. Or in this case, typing them.

Oh if only I were Dr. Temperance Brennan, who can logically rationalize any so-called "emotions." And of course I'd be smokin hot and super smart. And Sweets would be there. As an FBI psychologist, he'd know what to do.
Keep repeating: That's just a tv show... That's just a tv show...

And... It's helped! Well, googling stills from Clueless helped too hehe. That was a great movie.
Or I could just stop being a wimp and get on with it, eh?
Anyway, I'm not saying I'm going to turn my blog into a sapfest or anything, I'm just going to blog about whatever I want to. I hope you don't mind. And thanks for listening. 
If you did. Or maybe you just skipped down to enjoy the photo of John Frances Daley. Whatever.


Jamie (va_grown) said...

My dear, you go right ahead and blog about whatever you want! You've been through so much...3 years is nothing to expect yourself to have completely moved on and healed from all that!

If there's one lesson I've learned from losing my parents at 27, it's one else has any idea what you're going through so they shouldn't judge how you handle it. And if they do, who cares what they think anyway? What you've gone through is part of who you are and shapes what you do--it's part of your "truth." And truth always makes good writing.

Sara said...

Absolutely fantastic post! I have wavered and obsessed over what to do on my blog, too. But, I have finally settled on doing with it exactly what I want to do & it works! I wholeheartedly think you should,too!

I'm so sorry for your broken heart.

thursday said...

Reading this was really interesting. I used to be stupid emotional (and depressed) in my early 20's. Stubbing my toe would send me down a spiral that would take days to get over. I just thought that was the way I was and would be forever. Then I went on Prozac. Then Celexa. The Effexor. I was done with the freak outs and the emotional breakdowns. More than that I was just done. I got married. I wasn't excited. I moved to China. I wasn't excited. Nothing really got to me. And I freaking loved it. Everyone thought it was strange to enjoy that - but after 7 years of extremes it was nice to be a little flat.

I went off my meds just over a year ago. It was hard then and it's hard now. I don't love dealing with my feelings. This all sounds so callous, but I'm just stating truths. Since the birth of my daughter I feel like I've been to hell and back. I've really missed the meds and have been wishing I was on them. Right now I'm trying to pro/con the whole situation - is missing the lows worth missing the highs at this stage in my life. I don't have an answer quite yet.

I think it's wonderful you've been able to share this on your blog. The prospect intimidates me a lot - even just writing this has me worried a bit. Hopefully we can both find a balance that makes sense.

Christina said...

I always like your blog. I think you have a witty way of writing so I enjoy reading whatever you talk about! I am not a big animal person myself. ;) I am allergic to cats, and I don't feel like taking care of an animal when I have to take care of my son. hehe anyway!

I think it's good to get things off your mind by writing if it helps. I don't think you are a wimp or pathetic. You are probably much stronger than you think!

simpledaisy said...

I say....all you can ever be is who you are!
I appreciate it when people are REAL on their's not always rainbows and butterflies:)
I struggle with things too and I think others find comfort in knowing they are NOT alone!!!
Sounds like you've come full circle and can offer a lot to people through your blog!
Always follow your heart and the rest will work out!

So own it....and blog about whatever your heart desires!!!

GREAT post and thanks for sharing .... I appreciate it!

Take care and enjoy the long weekend!

Heather said...

I don't know why all these things creep up at time's especially when things are going fine. Divorce is a roller coaster ride that never seems to end to many up's and down's. Just when you feel like your on top of the world, something happens some memory creeps up to bring you back down. I have been trying to use these reminders to step back and remember how things were and how blessed I am for how they are now, and the wonderful man I am now married to. I'm so glad you posted this it's nice to know I'm not just crazy and the only one this happen's to.

SewSweetStitches said...

Wow you guys, thank you so much for your comments. For some reason I can't explain, it really does help to say these confusing feelings out loud. You're all so kind, thank you again :)

Darlene Servolini said...

Yes, it is 3:21AM and I am giggling as I read your witty writing! I love that you are writing from the heart! Blog therapy could just be the key, and I'll be here to listen. :) said...

It always helps me to remember that the road to healing is not a linear path. And the box of memories is something that makes the good and bad memories resurface.

I had a close family member murdered when I was 13, and I really couldn't deal with the "feelings" so I pretended she was just on vacation. Then my Grandfather died suddenly just 6 months later. Surprize! He was on vacation too. We all have our own way of coping with things. At times we have to delay the pain until we're in a better place and can really deal with the feelings...because eventually, deal we must.

Maybe you're just recognizing that with your current happy marriage you are finally in a place where you are safe enough to deal with the unresolved feelings from the first, marriage.

But then again, maybe not...

Wishing you healing at your own pace. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with crying at the flea bitten starving dog commercials. I do it all the time. ;o) Compassion is a good and healthy emotion.