Saturday, January 22, 2011

Melissa FAIL

Have you ever seen Over The Hedge? It's an adorable animated movie that came out a few years ago, what am I saying of course you've seen it if you have a child under the age of 5. Which I suspect many of you do, or you would not have stuck with me this long as I drone on and on about my own precious offspring.
Ok so in the movie, there's a squirrel. A zooming, manic little creature who zips through the whole movie at top speed, and then near the end he drinks a can of energy shot with extra caffeine.
Today, I am that squirrel.

No, I don't sound exactly like Steve Carrell, but I did leap out of bed this morning, actually leap, I did the whole tossing back of the covers thing and all. Then I bounded to the kitchen, more like galloped. A pot of coffee, and she's off!
My brain actually woke me up with creativity. I suspect this has something to do with going to bed at 8pm last night and eating an entire half of a large pizza. This is bizarre because for the last few weeks I've been able to eat nothing but soup, yogurt, and oatmeal. I've been drinking tea instead of coffee. Tea, for gosh sakes!!! This is not voluntary, you all know how I'm usually a food incinerator. I scoff at the tea drinkers at work. I like tea too, but only to put me to sleep. Those ninnies. 

Well lately I've been a little down, which is not like me at all. You got a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the something while the something something something... That's usually me, muttering the wrong lyrics to Ice Ice Baby while I conquer the world with no mercy. But this last month, I've been a complete wreck. I think it was the little vacation from work that did it, which makes  no sense because aren't vacations supposed to leave you feeling refreshed and rested? Well that week away from work at the end of December just teased me with a taste of lots of sleep and crafting time. It would have been better not to have been teased I think, because when I got back to work I fell apart. Totally embarrassing. And when I'm sad, I can't eat. And when I can't eat, I can't be productive. And when I can't be productive, well...It's not pretty.

Here's an example. Carly's room. It's generally messy. I don't like it,  but previously I'd just close the door and pretend I didn't see it, accepting the fact that there are some things that just don't warrant my attention on the hierarchy of the Crap To Deal With scale. Or in a rare fit of responsibility, I'd force her to clean it herself and then start throwing away anything she didn't put away. No mercy, people.
But lately, these little things have especially been bothering me. I get home from work. I know my shop is dying, I know I have emails waiting, I know my leg hair has reached truly horrifying lengths. But on my way to cleaning the bathroom, I pass Carly's room and notice that the toy-to-carpet ratio has reached epic proportions. Ok, no big deal, just put down the bathroom supplies for a second and tidy this up a little.
Fast forward to midnight. Douglas gets home from work and Carly's room is even worse. She and I are practically trapped behind the wall of scattered books, toys, and clothing. Carly is curled in a ball and whimpering that she just wants Mommy to go to bed. It seems that instead of picking up the toys, I dumped all of them out and insisted that the My Little Ponies be clearly segregated from the Brier Ponies. They go in the same basket, but clearly must be separate from the Barbie basket. Except for the one that's big enough for Barbie to ride on. She gets to go in the Barbie basket, but her accessories may not, because they....
To which he replies, like any reasonable person, who cares? Just put them all in the basket and go to bed, it's like 2am. Then I lock myself in the bathroom and cry until my eyelids get all gooey and stuck shut and my face looks like it's been stung by a hundred jelly fish.

The next day, I wake up ashamed and embarrassed, completely aware of how neurotic that behavior was, and so I vow to never let it happen again. I'll just try extra hard today to be even more productive. I will not worry about small things, like the basket of ironing that has piled up in the closet. Oh my good gravy just LOOK at that ironing! When can I do it? Tomorrow? No, not tomorrow, I've already scheduled every single half hour on a special chart, in permanent ink so that I can't back out. Maybe I'll just do it now, no matter that it's already 1am and I have to get up at 6 for work....And the vicious cycle starts all over.

So what's changed? I stopped making things for my shop. I stopped worrying about making things for my shop. I made things that I wanted to make. I didn't shave my legs. I stopped worrying about shaving my legs. It's winter, you know, and leg hair will insulate body heat. Purely logical.
Also, I passed on a shiny, glittery, sparkly opportunity. One that promised to change my life forever, but also destroy it in the process.
Wait, did I just get that dramatic. lol that was lame. What actually happened was that a lovely lady I met a few years ago published a beautiful book. Lovely Lady offered to help me write a proposal for my own Lovely Book which Lovely Lady would present to her editors because guess what folks, Lovely Lady works for the publishing company!!!
Oh crap I'm getting all excited again. Ok I cannot do this. I can't even return the poor woman's Lovely Lady's emails in a timely manner without having a hysterical breakdown. It's just not going to happen. I will have no book, I will have no Martha Stewart interview, after which I will have no tv show of my own that puts Martha Stewart right out of work. 
And that's a good thing.

It's good because I'll be putting the most important things first- My family and God. They definitely will not be coming first if I'm putting all my time into a book when I get home from work. Maybe someday things will be different, maybe I won't be working and I will have time for a book. But right now I have to realize that I am not Sandra Bullock in that movie The Proposal. I am not Renee Zellwhatever in that movie New In Town. (I like these movies because they feature strong female leads that make everyone around them do exactly what they want. Netflix told me so. Oh, and because they're filmed in very cold places. We are big fans of very cold places.) I'm not them because I don't wear a size 2 and I can't pull off 4-inch stilettos all day at work while I beat everything and everyone around me into submission so that I can be the most productive woman on the planet, majoring in Things That Nobody Cares About. Who cares if my house is like a museum and my car never has mummified chicken nugget parts all over it? Who cares if I write a book and commandeer my own cable network? Well, my adoring fans. But that's besides the point. If I spend time with my daughter, if I am kind and patient with my husband, if I do the best I can in the Bible ministry, at least a dozen people I can think of right now will be very happy. And they're the ones who matter most. Sorry adoring fans, you'll just have to watch Martha fold paper doilies into snowflakes. Again.

Well if you made it to the end of this rambling, I applaud you. And wonder if you have a life haha. Kidding, thanks for listening to me talk about myself. It's what I do best. But seriously I feel much better, and every time I get the itch to plan my Golden Globes outfit, to which I will surely be invited once I'm famous, I'll just re-read this post. And get the ironing done.


Shana said...

Ok, can I say you sound just like me lol. Love it Hammy! Keep up the good work. By the way, Martha is really grouchy when you meet her, I would rather meet you.

Anonymous said...

OMG this was like reading a story of my own life...struggling to balance the creative with the necessary and all the while juggle family and having a life! Well said, great job and good for you!! It sucks to have to pass up great opportunities, but putting your family (and sanity) first is never the wrong decision!
And I love knowing I'm not the only one up at 2am organizing and cleaning! :)

Anonymous said...

<3 I AM picking up what you are throwing down my dear.

You are right,in the whole big scheme of things,the neurotic stuff doesnt matter. But when you're in it,it seems like all that matters.

The ever elusive balance. I think we have to cut ourselves a break every once in a while. Were pretty awesome. :-)

My Vintage Mending said...

I am sure that you just wrote my life story...thank you for the clarity. Here's to the strong women of the family! Love it.

Anonymous said...

If your lovely lady is as lovely a lady as you say she is, she will surely understand if you answer her e-mail a little later than you had intended. Obviously, girl, you can write. You have lots of material for a book already here in your blog. I say you should go for it.

SewSweetStitches said...

Thank you ladies so much for the support! Strangely, it is very comforting to know that these feelings are common. I really appreciate you taking a moment to comment :)