Tuesday, November 20, 2012

This Will Never Make Sense

One day I was pregnant. And then one day I wasn't. I don't know what to say. I have a lot of things to say. I don't think any of them make sense. I can't make sense of any of them. There is no sense to any of this.

 I didn't want a baby, but then when I knew about its existence, I did. I can't say "it". It was a person. Is a person. Was. Is no longer. You. You were loved. I was scared of you but then I loved you almost instantly. That doesn't make sense.
I gave you a name. Well, two names, because I didn't know what you were. I'll never know. That doesn't make sense.
I spent a good part of a very long night in the emergency room to save you. Or to save me. It's 2012 and you couldn't be saved. That doesn't make sense. The doctor saying, "If you haven't already miscarried, it's likely that you will." That didn't make sense. I couldn't make sense of it. Just go home and wait for your baby to die. You are supposed to be safe in there and I can't do a single thing to keep you safe. I'm your mother. That's my sole purpose. My only purpose in living, relative to you, is to keep you safe and I couldn't do it for a full six weeks. 
It just doesn't make sense.
What if it did though? What if there was a complete explanation that made sense? You would still be gone. That will never make sense.

I know there can be others if I wanted, but I don't. I want you. Just because I didn't know you yet doesn't mean there wasn't a you to get to know. And you were different. Are different. Than any other being in the history or the future. I only want you back.

Doesn't make sense.

6 comments:

Jennster said...

Melissa - you don't know me but I've followed your blog for a while because I absolutely LOVE your creations! Anyway, I don't think there are any words that can offer you any comfort, especially since I've never been in your shoes. I just know how badly I want my own baby....I've not been able to get pregnant yet and I can only imagine the grief you must feel to know you were and then not. Take the time to grieve. Thanks for sharing your experience...it's not something to be ashamed of. Everything happens for a reason - perhaps that's the only solace I can offer.

Deb said...

Oh, Melissa... I am so sorry.

Jane S. said...

Oh wow...Melissa, I'm so sad to hear of your loss...not that this helps but I'm thinking of you and sending you big hugs. :*(

Skye said...

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I lost three babies last year. Each special and unique in their own way. Nothing will ever replace the baby that you've lost, nor should it. I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing.

Marisa Hopkins said...

:( hugs. I've been offline, so I only just saw your good news and then your not good news. HUGS.

sweetbaby said...

I'm so sorry. That is so hard and yes, you're right, your little one was one of a kind, special and loved and it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure it ever will, but that special little someone will always have a place in your heart. Bunches of hugs of love and understanding........Ruth :)